When a Man Loves a Woman

In the school yard where I spent most of my days as a child – and then 15 years later as a teacher – there exists a man-made rock wall that separates the parking lot/recess area from the parish cemetery that surrounds it. It isn’t very high, to be honest – it may come up to a grown man’s waist. But for us Catholic school children, it was our wonder wall – the anchor of our whispered conversations about other classmates; the time-out area when we were caught disobeying Sister’s rules; and the source of our imaginative play.

As I remember it, the wall wasn’t of much interest to the girls. Sure, they would sit their stuffed toys and Barbies on it as they went about their 15 minutes of post-lunch free time. For many of the boys, however, the stone wall became their fortress to defend, their tower to climb, and their military jump-training source. Here they fought demons, enemy soldiers, and the Decepticons. It was also here where they often got in the most trouble for doing those very same things.

I mention this because after having spent much of my life teaching – and thus monitoring lunch recess – I can confidently state from unscientific observation that boys are generally wired to scale walls, literally and figuratively. Call it genetics; throw-in a huge dash of American cultural influence – whatever the cause, boys in their play become men who protect and defend.

(A brief caveat before I continue: yes, I realize that some boys do not become wall-climbers and can still be courageous, and that many a girl is also most willing and able to scale the heights of whatever challenge stands in her way. My thoughts here are not anti-woman, but there is a factor that the Spirit keeps leading me to pray with and explore, and I believe these Holy Family  scripture passages speak to a truth that must be proclaimed if we want a holy and healthy church and society.)

Boys become “wall climbers” who become men who will lay down their lives for others, because that’s who men of God are called to be. I wonder sometimes along the way if we’ve forgotten this – or have been told that this shouldn’t be. Many among us say: men who come on the scene as protector and defender are pompous, too intimidating, and misogynistic. They are subordinators who crush the lives, hearts and spirits of those who are under them, including women and those who aren’t the wall climbers of modern society.

Certainly this can be a true statement. Men who misunderstand themselves and their role as husband and father often warp their roles and end-up damaging the lives of those around them. Maybe this is why Paul’s advice in his letter to the Colossians is often bracketed (and not read publicly at Mass) so as not to offend modern sensibilities. Admittedly it is hard to proclaim and to hear Paul’s statement: “Wives be subordinate to your husbands as is proper to the Lord.” Most of us hear that as: Women, do what your men tell you, even if they are pompous and abusive jackasses. But nothing could be further from the truth – not if we understand how the Lord defines subordination.

Subordination is oppressive and evil when one puts himself first in order to put others down. Scripture is filled with examples of such men. But as Jesus told his disciples: “It shall not be so with you.” The Christian man is called to be different – to be men who love as Christ loves, all the way to the Cross.

That’s why Paul’s subordination advice to women can only make sense when it is read in light of the greater context, never separating that statement from the sentence that follows: “Husbands, love your wives.” Don’t take that statement lightly.

Love, as Paul defines it here, is the type of love that says: I will pour-out my life for you. I will make sure you and our children come first. I will strive to be merciful and forgiving, and I will seek forgiveness in humility when I stumble and fall along the way. I will lift-up the lowly and the least wherever I may find them. I will protect hearts and treat women as co-equal heirs to the Kingdom.

Understanding love, then, from this perspective, it is easier to see why wives were told to be subordinate to their husbands: who doesn’t want their heart to be cherished? Who doesn’t want

authentic love to protect and surround them with grace? Who doesn’t want someone to take a bullet for them – in whatever way the “bullet” may come?

Isn’t that exactly what Jesus did when he went to the Cross? He “took a bullet” for us by dying for us. He loved us enough to go to Calvary so that we weren’t lost for eternity. He led us to true and lasting freedom, but never forced us to acquiesce. Isn’t that what Godly love does?

It’s the very thing to which St. Joseph’s life attests as seen through his actions in the Gospel: twice he takes his wife and son into the unknown in order to protect and save. His strength became their strength, all because Joseph’s love was first rooted firmly in obedience to God. No doubt Mary could have done this on her own, but she willingly subordinated herself to the husband who loved her so purely and intensely and who knew his  vocation – his mission --- was to lay down his life for his wife and

for the Son of God. Because Mary – and Jesus who is God – subordinated themselves to Joseph’s love and protection, their lives were spared in the desert.

And herein lies another powerful and beautiful understanding of subordination lived from a place of holiness: because Our Lady and Jesus allowed Joseph to care for them, he grew in his own role as husband and father and man. Their loving subordination allowed him to “climb walls” and thus fulfill his vocation. Their ‘yes’ to his protection made him even more holy, and opened his heart to the capacity for more love. Thus, maybe in the end, selfless subordination breaks us open to love and be loved in the

way God created us to experience.

Subordination – when it is of God – makes us saints. It makes us like Christ, who himself submitted his human will to the divine will of the Father at Calvary: “Let this cup pass from me, not as I will but as You will.” Christ spent his life in subordination to Love, and in so doing, taught us that authentic holy love will always lift up and protect; defend and serve; and give others the wings they need to fly and the roadmap necessary for the Kingdom.

On my desk in my office is a marble statue of St. Joseph cradling Our Lady and the Infant Jesus in his embrace. His arms and legs – those of a laborer – almost envelop them in a gesture of loving protection, and they allow this to be. God and His Mother technically don’t need this to be, and yet they allow it: such love – when it’s true – allows everyone to scale the walls that often block our view of what authentic love is meant to be – a pouring-out; a sacrifice; and a deep trust that such love really does win in the end.

Such love, says Sirach, creates a house – a Church and a society – raised in Godly justice. Never be afraid to be subordinate to such love: it is the bond of perfection, and it creates holy families willing to pour themselves out for one another.